Six months later.
It has been 6 months and two days since my beloved grandmother died.
It’s been five days since my beloved grandfather passed away. Making it nearly to six months without my grandma by his side. Which was, quite honestly, unsettling. I really cannot recall a time that my grandparents were away from each other that long. The few times I’d visit my grandpa, when I was finally able to, it would be both nice. Every time, I’d hug him, I’d try to memorize how he felt. I thought if I just hold him tight enough, savor these moments, that I could somehow prevent the unpreventable? But I can’t, I’m human.
At least this time, I held his hand, I gently rubbed his forehead and softly told him, how loved he was, how sweet he was, how thankful I was for him. I told him I’d love him forever. That he is safe, that he doesn’t need to be afraid. Over and over again telling him I love him.
Since the last time I wrote, I didn’t follow my promise to write more about the grieving, because frankly, I was just living through it. Every day in the last five months has been feeling like I’m on fire. With only fleeting moments of relief.
I try to distract myself, I try to look forward to things, something I don’t naturally allow myself to do even before this year. Now it’s harder than ever to turn my attention away from everything I’m dealing with. From past and current trauma, to ongoing health issues, and really all that is life.
There’s been good, of course. There’s been connecting with loved ones. There’s been getting another dog. (Bringing us to three cats and two dogs) Lying on the hammock in the sunshine with said dog. She’s an itty bitty thing, so loving and kind. Barely leaving my side. Life is somehow more bearable with these small creatures at our side.
But most of the time? I feel I’m living in this darkness. I feel the ground underneath me has fallen apart, and I’m just trying my best to survive. That’s really it. That’s I can do, so It’s all I’m really doing. Moment by moment, surviving.
For now, that’s all I got. Surviving.
